What Can the Enneagram Teach Me about Marriage?
Marriage Counseling in Woodstock
Jennifer Hanchey
The Enneagram, an ancient personality typing tool, is having a moment. Scroll Twitter or Instagram and you’ll find posts devoted to the nine numbers. Many have jumped on a bandwagon formally reserved for psychologists or spiritual guides.
But what’s this about nine numbers, and why should you care? Put simply, the Enneagram “helps us identify specific patterns of personality” and the blind spots that are so obvious to others (read: your partner) but are harder to see within yourself (Chestnut, 2013). Once you know your number, you can identify when you are living in a healthy space or veering into an unhealthy way of relating to life and others.
I find the Enneagram to be the perfect companion to the marriage counseling work I do with couples and individuals as it is a tool clients can use to increase self-knowledge between sessions. When we are able to pinpoint and articulate our inner drives, we can become aware of what motivates our choices and behaviors—and consciously choose to do something different in our relationships and self-talk.
The Enneagram outlines three centers of intelligence: body/physical, heart/emotional, or head/intellectual. Each of us fits into one of these centers. You already know that some people are more connected to their feelings while others put thought and action above emotion. Cue your last argument with your spouse. Were you coming from two different angles? Did you struggle to see the perspective of the other?
If you’ve ever felt misunderstood or even angry that others don’t get you, read on. You were raised in a house with other numbers and are now living with humans who see the world through a different lens. The chance that you married someone with an Enneagram number different than your own is statistically quite high. Thus, your partner is likely living from a different center, approaching life from a different angle—but the Enneagram is a key to unlock some of that mystery.
One Marriage, Two Perspectives
Let me give you an example. My husband is a nine on the Enneagram, the Peacemaker. I am a three, the Achiever. For him, free time is for scrolling his phone, watching SportsCenter, and sleeping late. He is not pushing an agenda; rather, he lets life happen around him. In contrast, I wake up ready to get things done. I learned early in life that doing tasks and achieving success was the key to admiration and love. I now have one mode: go.
Can you imagine how our expectations for Saturday morning are different? I have a to-do list while he plans to let a cup of coffee stretch for a leisurely two hours. But here’s the thing. Neither of us is right or wrong. One way is not superior over the other.
It’s easy for a spouse to think their way is best and that the other must conform. It’s easy to grow resentful when, over time, you realize you can’t remake your partner in your image.
Personality is set in childhood as you attempted to fit in or survive the unique environment in which you were raised. Though experiences will continue to influence and refine you, the general structure of personality was entrenched long before you met your spouse.
Opposites Attract
What’s interesting is that many of us are attracted to our personality opposite. We admire how this special other has traits or habits we feel incapable of living out for ourselves. Over time, however, the very thing that initially attracted us (their drive, their laid-back vibe, their sense of order and discipline) drives us crazy by year ten.
Real problems arise when you decide your perspective is right and you allow contempt for your spouse to develop. You lose respect for him or her as you ask yourself, What were they thinking? Why can’t they just ____? Everyday stressors feel big because your partner just won’t do it your way.
Take a look at the chart below. Do you see yourself or your spouse in one of the numbers?
It’s okay if you’re not quite sure where you fit. The Enneagram is a journey of self-discovery, and it will take more than this post to discover your number or that of your spouse. In fact, it’s not up to you to determine your spouse’s number. No one can know for sure another’s inner motivations; thus, you can’t force a number on another. You’ll each know your correct number as you read about that type for yourself and get the sensation that someone has been eavesdropping on your thoughts.
How Can I Know My Number?
This spring, I’m excited to offer an Enneagram exploration group online. After reading The Road Back to You, a readable and accessible primer on the Enneagram, you can join one of my Zoom discussion groups to get feedback and ask questions.
Zoom groups are just one of the new offerings I’ve added during the Coronavirus crisis.
Telemental health options are perfect for this time of social distancing. Being stuck inside doesn’t mean we have to stop learning and growing. In fact, the down time we have been
gifted can be put to good use if we spend time exploring our inner motivations, wounds, and
strengths. Once we are back to face-to-face connection, we will have grown in our awareness of our relational patterns and pitfalls.
To find your number—alone or in one of my Zoom groups—I suggest you read books that
describe all nine numbers so you can determine which number is most like you. Then, you can use the Enneagram as a tool for growing closer in your friendships, marriage, and family or work relationships.
Stay clear of online tests and assessments as they are imperfect instruments and require higher than average self-knowledge to produce the correct answer. Enneagram work is a journey, not a Facebook quiz. It will require some effort on your part, but the payoff is rich. Nearly everyone I’ve introduced to the Enneagram has become hooked. It’s a shockingly accurate guide to personality and drives—both yours and others’.
With more books on this topic than ever before, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. Below I
highlight the most accessible and practical books to consult as you acquaint yourself with the
Enneagram. I often recommend these books to couples and individuals I work with in my Woodstock counseling office.
The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery
Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
Largely regarded as the modern primer on the Enneagram, The Road Back to You is the best place to start. Each of the nine types is explained, including what each number looks like in the healthy, average, and unhealthy range.
If you’re afraid any type of personality “system” will be dry and boring to read about, you are in for a pleasant surprise. This book is refreshingly readable—entertaining even. The authors weave in personal stories, explaining how they’ve encountered each of the types in real-life relationship.
If you’re not a big reader or don’t care to read about all types—just your type there’s a checklist at the beginning of each number’s description: “What It’s Like to Be a X.” Skim these lists to determine which numbers warrant further investigation.
And, there’s always audible. This book is a treat to listen to. Cron, one of the authors, reads the book and draws you in with his storytelling.
The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships
Suzanne Stabile
Stabile, who co-authored The Road Back to You, solos on The Path Between Us as she homes in on how understanding the motivations of those around us can lead to more harmonious and empathetic relationships in marriage, friendship, and career.
Each number gets a chapter as Stable, sweet Southern grandma/Enneagram guru, describes how each type shows up in relationship. She emphasizes potential but also discusses limits and pitfalls, outlining what each number must keep in mind as they inhabit personal relationships. Perhaps most helpful of all, she gives pointers for the other eight numbers on how best to get along with the number she’s explaining.
Some professional organizations see such potential in understanding the number of those with whom you interact regularly that they require employees to know their number and post their number outside their office door. Collaborating with a five (the Investigator) is a much different experience than working on a project with a two (the Helper). It helps to know these things before you alienate the other with your own perspective or intuitive approach.
If the Enneagram improves work life, just imagine what could happen if you use its wisdom in your marriage. Keep in mind, no number is better than the other; each has strengths and weaknesses, and, paradoxically, your best trait in one circumstance can be your greatest liability in another setting.
What if you saw what is unique about your partner as a gift—not a liability to be changed or a flaw to be manipulated? The Path Between Us is a great place to start if you’d like to try on a new perspective.
What if you saw what is unique about your partner as a gift—not a liability to be changed or a flaw to be manipulated? The Path Between Us is a great place to start if you’d like to try on a new perspective.
Becoming Us: Using the Enneagram to Create a Thriving Gospel-Centered Marriage
Beth and Jeff McCord
Husband and wife Beth and Jeff McCord have used the Enneagram to understand one another and deepen their intimacy. Becoming Us is their story, interwoven with rich teaching about the nine types. Though the Enneagram’s roots are decidedly spiritual, the McCords make its connection to the Gospel more overt than the previous two books I mention. And they emphasize using your growing knowledge of self and other responsibly: neither wielding the Enneagram as a sword to wound or using it as armor to hide behind.
Becoming Us includes several helpful list, breaking down the core longings, core fears, and core weaknesses of each number. If you are having trouble zeroing in on your number, take a look at these resources.
The chapter on childhood messages is particularly helpful. When I see couples in crisis in my Woodstock office, they are often trapped in a cycle of reaction and blame. Awareness that you and your partner are only acting out the wounds and relational patterns of childhood can help you extend grace instead of hostility to the other.
After laying a foundation of Enneagram knowledge, the McCords offer practical suggestions for how to improve communication with your spouse as you learn to empathize with and see each other’s perspective as equally valid and worthwhile.
Conclusion
Don’t be surprised if a little Enneagram knowledge flips an internal switch and you become obsessed. For many, it’s like receiving a key that unlocks the inner world of those they hold most dear.
For the first time, you see your spouse, friend, or co-worker’s habits—the things you were sure they did only to annoy you—in a new light. You understand that personality is really just a system we each developed in childhood to feel safe in the world. We all developed different systems, and they all make sense for the context in which they were developed.
Empathy and validation are key components to the work I do with couples when they come for marriage counseling in Woodstock. If the Enneagram can build empathetic understanding of the other’s perspective and help you see your spouse more clearly, isn’t it worth checking out?
Consider joining an upcoming Zoom group. Email me for dates and information:
jenhanchey@aboveandbeyondcounselingservices.com
*Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (Berkley: She Writes Press, 2013).
Advanced Study
For those who already know your number and want to go deeper in your study, I’ve compiled my list of top resources.
Podcast
Typology with Ian Morgan Cron
The Enneagram Journey with Suzanne Stabile
Books
Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (Berkley: She Writes Press, 2013).
Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types (New York: Bantam, 1999).
Richard Rohr, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective (New York: Crossroad, 2016).
